Wednesday, October 8, 2014

We're having a baby!!

Okay, no we're actually not. 

But that is what this blog post is about. Babies. And when to have them. Having been married now for almost 7 months, it's complete baffling to me that so many people start asking when we'll start our family. It baffles me that it doesn't occur to many people that we might want some time together as a married couple before we add kids to the mix. I'm fully aware that often, there is no malicious intent behind this curiosity, but it baffles me nonetheless. It's almost as if people aren't happy with the current state of anything. That as soon as you date, people want to know when you're getting married; as soon as you're married they want to know when you're popping out mini-mes and as soon as the first kidlet comes along, they want to know when the second one will arrive. 

That isn't what baffles me the most though. What absolutely and completely has me surprised again and again, is that many people seem to be under the impression that I've silently, or telepathically, asked them for advice on when the right time for DUANE AND I to have kids is. They often offer up advice that I should wait 5 years before we have kids. Or that I should enjoy my youth before I have kids. Or that we should travel before we have kids. Or whatever they decide is a good piece of advice at the time. It surprises me that people think I would want to know when a good time to have kids is FOR ME FROM SOMEONE ELSE.

I realise that people often aren't meaning to be presumptuous and are genuinely just trying to be helpful and insightful, after all, they have done the whole having kids thing before I have and probably do know what they're talking about, but surely I would know what's best for me? And surely Duane and I would know what's best for us better than anyone else?

Via Giphy 

I've also started realising that the general consensus nowadays is that the later you have kids, the better. And for some people, that works. But I've started to notice, once I start explaining that I don't want to wait until I'm 30, that there's a subtle level of judgement that comes with that decision. That as soon as your decision sways towards the-younger-the-better side, people give you that look that says "Oh dear, you're going to throw your life away, just enjoy your youth before you have kids." And quite frankly, it's annoying.


Via Giphy

The right time for anyone to have a baby is relative to that person. For all you know, someone could be choosing to have kids young because there's a possibility that they won't be able to have kids at a later stage. There is no set perfect time to have a baby. 

For Duane and I, we're more on the younger-the-better side of the argument, and that's what's right for us. We're choosing to have kids 'young' because we don't want to be 50 and still have a teenager living at home. Also, if we want more than one child, we want decent enough age gaps between them and the later you have children, the closer in age they have to be if you want more than one. If having kids later, works for you, then that's the right choice. If having kids at 23 works for you, then that's the right choice. The right time to have kids is the time that you decide is what's best for you. It's not when other people suggest you should have kids.

So while I realise that people are trying to be helpful with advice, everyone needs to start taking cognisance of the fact that what works for you and your family, might not work for someone else. 

We'll be having kids when the time is right for us. If that's next year, after only a year of marriage, then that's the right time, if it's in two years time, that's also the right time. You might think we should wait until "we're older, we've enjoyed our youth, have travelled or have enjoyed being married", but please ty to remember that your life is not ours. 

Also, when the time comes, get excited with us, support us and know that we're choosing to do what's best for us, just the same as when you did the best for you and your family :)

3 comments:

  1. Oh sweety... Unfortunately the 'advice' giving doesn't stop there either. I felt like I became public property when I was pregnant. People of all sorts and ages 'advising' me what to eat, how to dress, how to walk, how to give birth ect ect and now that my little human is here the 'advice' giving lingers on... hold him like this, breastfeed like that, he should sleep like this, use this cream... argh. I have taken the wise words of those cute penguins from Madagascar... just smile and wave ���������

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    1. I second that :-) Also, it's arrogant to think that this type of unwanted advice is only given to young married couples - I mean, what about matrics deciding what to do with the rest of their lives or South Africans making the decision to live abroad? People are always going to have something to say about EVERYTHING - and it's childish to think that you can write a saga on your blog about every single little thing.

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    2. Mandz, I agree. I won't ever stop. Smiling and waving all the time :)

      And to Anon, thanks for your comment, but I didn't say anywhere in this blog post that this type of unwanted advice is ONLY to young married couples. Of course everyone at any given stage of their life will receive unwanted advice. This is where I am at the moment and that's what I wrote about. Also, if you think it's childish for my to write a saga on MY blog about every single little thing, then don't read my blog. Essentially this is my creative outlet, for me to write down what I'm thinking about and how I'm seeing things going on in my world, if you don't like it and only have mean things to say, please don't read it.

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